When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence – Brendan Behan.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing – Charles Caleb Colton.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early – Charles Lamb.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back – David Brent.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried – David Brent.

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house – Gabor.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy – Gary Busey.

It is most unwise for people in love to marry – George Bernard Shaw.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception – Groucho Marx.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon – Groucho Marx.

I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you – Groucho Marx.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them – Harry S. Truman.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try” – Homer Simpson.

You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous – Homer Simpson, to God.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man – Lana Turner.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution – Mae West.

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers – Mahatma Gandhi.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint – Mark Twain.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop – Noel Coward.

True friends stab you in the front – Oscar Wilde.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much – Oscar Wilde.

When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal – Richard Nixon.

The most wasted of all days is that in which we have not laughed – Sebastien Roch Nicolas Chamfort.

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year – Victor Borge.

I like children – fried – W.C. Fields.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else – Will Rogers.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers – William Shakespeare.

In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker – Woody Allen.